Racket 3 (cumulo-nimbus)

'30's-'50's? What Crap

 The above paragraph may or may not be true, I do not know, but so many things have gone in and out of style since the fifties.

I don't really know if the sesquipedalian author was full-of-it, being nostalgic or just reminding us what has worked in prior eons.

If you're tired of that lady on TV telling you to sue the makers of "Zantac" and you've been warned about the dangers of using Omeprazole long-term,

You might want to try Vitamin C.

This next paragraph is well-known to all who can read it.

Vitamin D, Parathyroid Hormone Levels, and the Prevalence of Metabolic Syndrome in Community-Dwelling Older Adults | Diabetes Care (diabetesjournals.org)

So who the hell is it written for, to impress you?

Lemme translate (rofl) 

Yada affects blah. 

But when calcium is low, your minion-glands really dig DEEP to find calcium, screwing up the rest of your body,

 making you fat,

causing you to become more diabetic.

Did you note the bit about "Vitamin D"?

It's slightly puzzling that the body freaks when you don't have a lot of calcium, but doesn't give a shit about vitamin D or more people would care (and they'd stick more in the yogurt, etc)

So anyway read the first sentence again, slowly: PTH (parathyroid-juice) and Vitamin D make you have more calcium, like that toilet float in your toilet tank sinks when water gets too low, turning on the spigot.

But If Vitamin D is low (and it is) it screws up the body's own measurements, and it overcompensates.

You might wanna know WHY your D is being sucked DRY, but nevermind, they'll pump it back up like the air in a leaky-tire.

If you give me food, I'll overcompensate for the lack of nicotine in my system, eating like a big cow, screwing up my Vitamin D (because obese people hide their vitamin D in their fat.)

The toilet-float in my parathyroids is never happy, turning on the spigot to get my calcium going, which it can't so it sits there, running all night, like a runny toilet.

Solution:

Smoke.

Ahh, smoking. Just enough to satisfy my cravings, let vitamin D come out of the fat-closet, making the parathyroids happy, and pushing up my calcium.

There.

Now award me my prize, please.

"You did WHAAT??!!"

I saw that line in a movie, very dramatic.

Were you paying attention?

Vitamin D is low due to diabetes, which might be affected by a rocky kidney.

(It's all circular, so which came first, the D, The Kidney or the Diabetes?)

If your kidney won't work right, D might not get absorbed very well.

If D doesn't get absorbed very well, two things (at least) happen,

Diabetes can occur, and Calcium gets low.

Parathyroids go on overdrive looking for calcium, making them,

"HYPERparathyrotic" (I gotta go find the right term)

Hyperparathyroidism.